When people tell me how good I am or how strong I am, it's hard to take it as a compliment. I am a mother of a child with disabilities. I have no choice. Quite honestly, if I did, I would not choose this. So perhaps that makes me more of a coward than the brave hero I am mistakenly portrayed as.
Perhaps the characteristics I need more than bravery or courage are patience and contentment. We are all waiting and wanting for something to improve or get better. As believers, we are ultimately waiting for reunion with a resurrected King when everything is made new. Nathan was born and his obviously broken body underscored that waiting is exactly what I'm doing. I'm waiting for the day when his body and mind is also resurrected and made perfectly whole, when I also, am made whole.
The waiting is not passive. It is very active. I wake up every morning and do all of the routines, therapies, and medical procedures I need to do to take care of my son, all while longing and waiting for something more. Nathan's differences remind us this is not how it was supposed to be. The paradise that God created for us at the beginning of time was disrupted by a lie and people who believed in it. Every day that same lie taunts me. The lie says, "God doesn't really love you. He doesn't want what is good for you." I wake up trying to live my life filled with the hope of Christ's return. In the meantime, I am filing away a whole bunch of stories to recount how He loves and provides for us.
I'm Not Brave, I'm Simply Living the Life I Was Given
The day-to-day life of a special needs/medically fragile mom is gruelling. And it's horrifying at times to think of what the future holds. I look back over the past five years and see the gracious and abundant provision of God. He alone as sustained us. For that I am thankful. So I try to keep living day-by-day for that is the best way.
I wake up and live my life, but it does not make me brave. It is hard to do, and sometimes I complain and experience major setbacks. But no matter the circumstances of my life, I am in a period of intentional, life-long waiting for the return of Christ. Living one day at a time, waiting for a future redemption. This does not make me brave, it just makes me human.
Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies." - Romans 8:23