My son, who has level 3 autism, really struggles when he’s out of his routine. His anxiety is high, and for him that means obsessive-compulsive behavior and sometimes aggression and self injury. A few weeks into being out of his routine due to COVID 19, it got so bad that we called a new doctor to help. This psychiatrist prescribed a medicine that worked great—for a while. Then James had a negative reaction to it, making his aggression and self-injurious behavior much worse than normal. It was a stressful and scary time for all of us.
He has changed medicines and is doing much better, but he still experiences meltdowns that include aggression. We have a team of doctors and therapists who help him (and help us help him), but today I want to talk about how to help ourselves after our children have meltdowns. The stress our bodies experience is real, and we need to recognize that so we can remain healthy and able to help our children when necessary.
There are times you will experience fear or stress that makes your body react. I’m talking about those freeze, fight, or flee moments. Our bodies react to the perceived danger in neurological and physical ways. Hormones kick in, your heart rate increases, you may be able to think clearer and make quick decisions or you may not be able to focus at all and shut down. Even when the threat is over (in our case, our child’s meltdown is over and he/she is safe and calm again), our bodies are still processing the stress. If we don’t deal with it, we can have negative results. But God has given us wisdom on how to help our bodies calm down after especially stressful circumstances.
In their book Burnout (affiliate link), sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski talk about what they call the stress cycle and how to complete it. They state: “You have to do something that signals to your body that you are safe, or else you’ll stay in that state, with the nerochemicals and hormones degrading but never shifting into relaxation. Your digestive system, immune system, cardiovascular system, musculoskeletal system, and reproductive system never get the signal that they’re safe.”
They share suggestions for completing the cycle. Here are the ones I took note of as being helpful for me:
Exercise
Deep breathing
Positive social interaction
Laughter
Affection (six-second kiss or twenty-second hug)
Crying
Creative expression
(Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels)
You can choose any of these actions or use more than one. Do whatever makes you feel safe and helps your body reset. They write, “One thing we know for sure doesn’t work: just telling yourself that everything is okay now. Completing the cycle isn’t an intellectual decision; it’s a psychological shift.”
Here’s how I might break the stress cycle after James has a meltdown
Breathe deeply, telling myself everyone is ok
Hug James, or sit next to him while touching
Text my husband to tell him what happened (that’s the positive social interaction they are talking about)
We can’t always control the stressors in our lives, like our children’s meltdowns. But we can control our responses and help our bodies and minds recover! I hope these tips help you like they’ve helped me!
Sandra Peoples is a special-needs mom and sibling. She and her family live outside of Houston, TX where she serves her church as the director of special-needs ministry at the Southern Baptist of Texas Convention as their special-needs ministry specialist. She’s the author of Unexpected Blessings: The Joys and Possibilities of Life in a Special-Needs Familyand the host of the podcast, Self Care and Soul Care for the Caregiver. You can connect with her at sandrapeoples.com.
