For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope. Romans 15:4
Just giving the warning now that I may offend a few of you, but that is not my intent. My goal today is to share how what we do today with our kids can affect them for years to come.
I have worked as a Certified Assistant Behavior Analyst for nearly ten years, and before that was an Early Intervention Specialist. I have tried my best to encourage work towards independence in all areas.
We have to think from the outset:
What steps will I take today to get to the child’s goal of independence?
If I do a task for him or her, will that hold him or her back from becoming independent?
How can I let go more?
What will happen if I am gone and he or she can't do this skill?
Do I want him or her living with me forever?
If he or she can do this skill alone, it will help me too!
My Charlie is now 18, and has autism. When he was little, he would tantrum daily, sometimes even hourly. It was brutal. He would hit himself, hit and kick others, throw things, and sometimes even spit. He had a loud high-pitched scream, all while covering his ears because it was too loud for him! His face would turn beet red and his nose would run all over the place. It was hard to watch. I never wanted him to get to that level of frustration.
Many times, if we are all being honest here, I tried to avoid his tantrums at all costs. Even before I became a Behavior Analyst, one of my strategies was that I wouldn't make him do certain tasks because I knew it would start a tantrum. I was just trying to survive. I had a daughter six years older than Charlie, and I didn't want her life falling apart, too. I tiptoed around trying to avoid big meltdowns, especially in public. I would also allow Charlie to play with any character he wanted, no matter if it was age appropriate, anything to keep him happy and calm.
Then I learned the science of Applied Behavior Analysis, and my world changed in how I helped my son. It was still scary and sad at times, but I stopped avoiding his meltdowns.
I also required him to do skills and taught him skills one step at a time, through the tantrums and meltdowns. The meltdowns didn't stop me from pushing him to do the skills.
I changed my thoughts on age-appropriate reinforcers as well. One day I saw a young man who looked to be in his late 20's in a grocery store, holding several Elmo stuffed animals. He must have had 10-12 hung on his shirt and pants; his shirt, shorts, and socks were all Elmo-themed. I first thought, "Boy he really likes Elmo!" Then I thought of my Charlie. Is this what he will look like when he is in his 20's? Will he wear Bob the Builder attire wherever he goes, or will he be working in a job where that is not really allowed or accepted? A lightbulb went off that day.
I realized in that moment that I needed to push my son. What looks cute at 4, 5, or even 12 years old does not look cute at 25 years old. I decided that day that I would do my best to keep looking ahead a little bit and figuring out how to get him interested in more age-appropriate things, if I wanted him to reach the goals of independent living, being married someday, going to college maybe, having his own job, and making lots of friends.
It is very hard to break a strong reinforcer that has been used for years, when all of a sudden you say, “That is not appropriate anymore." You have to wean a child slowly over time, otherwise you will have a very hard time getting rid of or replacing the inappropriate toy with something else that is more functional.
Think about it this way: If all your child likes now is Elmo, whether they are 8 years-old or 25 years-old, what kinds of conversations will they be able to have with others? If Elmo is all they want to talk about, verbally script about, or care about watching, it will be so hard to get them interested in other things. It will be so hard for them to have things to talk about with their peers. I have seen this over and over again.
I know we see the one thing that makes them happy, but it only makes them happy because we haven't required other things in their life. We haven’t pushed them to be interested in and talk about other things. If we don't do that consistently—daily—then it will hurt them when they are older.
They will be made fun of.
They will be shunned.
People won't think they can do certain things, just because they are playing with a child's toy.
It will limit them.
I don't think that is what you want for your child long term. You may say, "That is what they enjoy." Think about how that will look in their life later on: will that toy or comfort item draw people to them, or turn people away from them later in life? We all can watch or participate in juvenile activities as adults here and there, even as a hobby, but if that is all-consuming, we will create barriers to becoming independent and experiencing life to it's fullest, no matter the disability.
Think about it. I want to push kids and adults to independence, no matter where they are, no matter what supports are needed. Adult children can live with their parents, but still contribute to taking care of themselves in many areas. If your child is a teen or adult are they
Doing their own laundry
Cooking their meals
Making their beds
Washing their dishes
Taking out the trash
Weeding the yard
Folding their clothes
Sweeping or vacuuming the floor
Cleaning mirrors
Making a grocery list?
These are just some of the daily life skills all children should be working on. The skills will look different for all of our kids in how they participate, but they can do it if we require this kind of help from them. If they are busy doing their daily living skills, then being friends with Elmo will be less important, because they are occupied with taking care of themselves.
True disclosure: it is hard for me to require Charlie to do things at times because I am just plain tired. The amount of time it takes to ensure he is doing what I ask, teach him the skill, and hear all the grumbling, I could have quickly finished the task. But parents and grandparents, we must require that our special kids do these things, to help them long term. Don't we want them to fly on their own and be independent? I do. It is scary, but I do.
Let's make sure that we are stretching our kids in the areas of their interests and in taking care of themselves. Keep asking yourself if what they are doing now will be okay when they are 20, 30, or 40 years old.
What is one single thing you can start requiring them to do today?
What is one single thing you can work with them on to build other interests that are age appropriate? Just start with one thing. And remember,
Elmo is not your friend.
Be blessed and encouraged today!
Patty Myers is the Director of Building Pathways.
