A few months ago, I shared an article here about how distractions can grow a more loving church. I’ve had more than a few conversations with pastors over the years about the challenges that some people with disabilities can present for them in a worship service. Pastors can be intimidated or confused about how to respond appropriately. Some pastors have learned beautiful ways of handling these tricky situations.
One memory especially encourages me. It was an Ash Wednesday service, and my friend Tiffany was bringing the message. My non-verbal daughter Carly was very engaged with her surroundings that evening and especially excited to see her buddy Tiffany up on the stage. I quickly sensed the higher-than-normal risk that Carly was going to vocalize and make disruptive sounds, so I was growing a little tense as the music portion of the service transitioned into Tiffany’s time of reflective and prayerful teaching. At first, Carly overtly responded with excited humming following Tiffany’s opening prayer. Tiffany turned our direction slightly and softly spoke, “Amen, Carly,” then went on with her sermon. A short while later, Carly clapped her hands in response to something in the sermon. Without missing a beat, Tiffany enthusiastically and appreciatively rejoiced saying, “Carly agrees!” People in the congregation chuckled and I sensed an ease in the room. In fact, I felt our family was affirmed as part of that community in a way I had rarely felt before.
After that, Carly settled in and relaxed next to me. Was that because she felt acknowledged? Did she simply wear out and shift gears? It’s hard to tell what contributed to Carly’s contentment. And, yes, there was some risk that acknowledging her could have encouraged more potentially distracting behavior. But, I’ll be honest, I was profoundly blessed by Tiffany’s courage and empathy to acknowledge Carly. I deeply appreciated her risking that someone may be uncomfortable with Carly’s interaction being rewarded. And I highly value that Tiffany knew Carly and our family well enough to know that she could acknowledge Carly publicly, without offending us or making us uncomfortable. I cannot overstate how important it is for pastors to know the special needs families in their congregations.
Emily Colson has given many inspiring examples of how her church has embraced her son, Max, who has autism. Max is notorious for his exuberance in worship. Her article, What Happens When You Yell at Church is rich with examples of godly welcome. How some men from Max’s church responded to his worship from the sound booth platform is one of my favorite illustrations of Christ’s heart on this subject.
Photo credit: Ocamproductions on Lightstock.com.
At another friend’s church, there is a pastor who uses every baby dedication as an opportunity to affirm that all children are a gift. You can listen to a 43-second clip of Pastor Kenny’s typical baptism statement. Here’s a highlight from that statement about the value of life:
“Children are a gift when they come with all of their fingers and toes. And they are a gift when they come without all of their fingers and toes. When they have infantile seizures or cerebral palsy or chromosomal irregularities, they are a gift. And they are a gift when they give us seemingly endless trouble.”
Families and individuals affected by disability deserve our respect and prayerful care. Their uniqueness deserves our attention. Uniqueness in some of us is more obvious than it is in others, but all of us are unique and valuable. Understanding that, we need to accept and respond to others as we would like others to respond to us.
Here are some ways to cultivate a Christ-like response to special needs families and tricky situations in the worship service:
Pray — Ask the Holy Spirit to inform and guide your response with wisdom, empathy and opportunity. How you respond is a model and inspiration to your Church.
Get to Know the Person (and the family) — If you’re feeling unsure or awkward about how to respond, it may be that you don’t know the people involved well enough. If someone in your congregation had just experienced a death or was preparing for a death, you would probably reach out to them very quickly. That same reaction is appropriate with special needs families. Tiffany knows us well. Her relationship with our family went a long way in giving her confidence to respond, and know how we would receive her expression of love and freedom in the worship setting.
Ask — Find out if the family has preferences about how the church or pastors respond. Learn what has worked or hindered in the past, or in other situations (e.g., school).
Think Ahead — Have one or two “safe” go-to phrases you can voice spontaneously at virtually any time during a service. Be prepared and think outside of your typical narrative, because even routine situations—like baptism—can be richly teachable moments. Also, consider specific ways you might respond to the uniqueness of individuals in your church.
Please Don’t Ignore Engagement — It won’t always be appropriate or necessary to call out atypical behaviors. But to ignore them altogether may inadvertently cause a person or family to feel invisible and uncared for. Sometimes the better response is to approach them after the service and express your appreciation for their presence and “voice” in the church. It can also be an opportunity to continue developing relationship so that you have a better idea about options for responding the next time. Be aware that a non-response in front of your congregation gives a message, too. Be thoughtful about what you are modeling for others about how to foster a community of belonging.
Some things pastors could say when someone like my daughter makes noises in church:
"We’re so glad to have everyone here today."
"Amen, Carly!"
"Carly agrees!"
"I hope Carly isn’t the only one having some important ideas about my sermon right now."
"We love to hear your voice, Carly. But right now is my (the Pastor’s) turn to talk."
And here’s my favorite:
"These are the noises of the future of the Church!"
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
For the body does not consist of one member but of many. The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 1 Corinthians 12:14, 21-26
O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens.
Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. Psalms 8:1-2
Lisa Jamieson is a caregiver consultant, pastoral counsellor and author of popular books and Bible studies including Finding Glory in the Thorns and Jesus, Let’s Talk. Lisa and her husband, Larry, live in Minnesota with the youngest of their three grown daughters, Carly, who has Angelman Syndrome. Together, the Jamiesons founded Walk Right In Ministries in 2008, a non-profit organization building faith and community with special needs families.
