I have spent my entire life as a servant. Seriously, my entire memorable life. I don’t remember playing as a little girl; I remember an endless checklist. I didn’t do after-school activities as a teenager; I worked full-time to provide support for my family. Serving was instilled in me at a very young age.
I had to be responsible. Responsible for the house. Responsible for my older and younger siblings. Responsible for the garden. Responsible for school. I didn’t ‘just play.’ I never ‘just played.’
In my teen years, I was responsible for school and bills. Those two responsibilities made up my whole life. And even when I left my mother’s home at 17, I moved in with a friend and quickly assumed responsibility for her children and my job.
When I became an adult and went to college, I faced an alternative crisis to most: I didn’t know how to be still. There was only me. Only college and work and then…free time. What does one do with free time?
I filled it with the usual worldly things, but quickly noticed I didn’t like the way alcohol made me feel, nor did I like loud music and parties. I was the family type, the caregiver. So what did I do? I married a man I had loved for years and we had two children.
In a strange way, things seemed right. To be responsible for others again made the world make sense. Maybe that’s why I took my two children’s autism diagnosis in stride. I was the caregiver—always—so I could do this. That’s probably why I became a CNA, but I digress.
Years went by, and God called me to ministry. My kids were more independent, and my husband had gotten the hang of the ‘special needs dad thing,’ so I jumped in full steam…and I did what God made me to do: I cared for people.
I cared for them mentally, helping them process and perceive the world. I cared for them emotionally, helping them work through and safely express tough emotions. I cared for them physically, feeding the sick and hungry. I cared for them spiritually, teaching the grace and mercy of the gospel at their level.
My entire life I’ve been a caregiver. But in recent years, with moment after moment of near mental breakdown, I’ve realized something. Even though I love my family and all of our chaos, even though I love taking care of others and bringing them joy, even though I love sharing the hope and joy I have, even though I was uniquely created and gifted to do these things, I have also grown increasingly tired because I have spent my entire life running from just ‘being still.’
A place for everything and everything in its place. God, I’ll meet with you from 7-7:30, then I have a huge check list to finish. Don’t worry, I’ve penciled you back in for some time tonight from 9:30-11, and that’s a large chunk of time for studying and praying and podcasts and then prayer if I don’t fall asleep.
This is not a sustainable lifestyle, and doesn’t leave enough room for God to just be God.
Photo credit: donnalcampbell.com
Over the last year or so, I’ve practiced dedicating myself to sitting at the feet of Jesus. Sometimes in prayer, sometimes in worship. Not learning, at least, not traditionally. I must tell you this caused a great deal of anxiety for me. Intrusive thoughts of what is ‘next’ on the checklist and all the things I could be doing were common. Feeling like I was being lazy was almost a guarantee. But here’s the thing: when we caregivers can push through all that and let God be God…our exhausted nature dissipates and our daily lives become manageable again.
I have known God’s presence like never before in the last year. This is only true because I have been intentional about giving Him large chunks of time (3-5 hours a week at minimum) to just be God. For Him to make the schedule. So here is my advice if you’re a caregiver, or even a minister who is burnt out from serving others. You must make time to sit. To be still. I know it’s easier said than done, so here’s what I did:
Communicate with your spouse: make this a clear need. It’s a spiritual need with benefits the family will enjoy.
Put it on your calendar—this is your most important appointment.
Find a group of people who will join you on this journey and will keep you accountable when you don’t.
When the enemy gives you a checklist when you’re being still, remind him you know the One who owns the world.
Keep trying. It’s not going to be easy the first time.
Pray, and keep on praying.
Make a playlist that lasts the amount of time you are setting aside for the Lord.
Try combining this with other things that are needed. Go for a walk with Jesus so you can work on both your spiritual and physical health.
It is not easy, when you are programmed to care for others, to stop and care for your relationship with God. But it is necessary because you will burn out. The heavy burden we carry, whether we are special-needs parents or pastors, is not one we can carry alone. It is not one we can carry without God. It is necessary to take time to sit at the feet of Jesus.
After all, He tells us in Matthew 11 to come to Him who are weary and burdened, “…and I will give you rest.”
Joanna French is the special needs pastor at Flint Hills Church, Junction City, KS. Joanna and her husband Jairmie have two boys with autism. In 2017, Joanna started Flint Hills Embrace, with the goal to make Flint Hills Church a place where everyone belongs. Why? Because we all have a place in God's plan.
