The school year has begun for all the children. Goals are made; classes are in full swing; children know what to do to make their studies and extracurricular activities a priority.
Apply this process to our own lives and we have to ask, “Is our marriage a priority?” So many of us are very focused on our children’s lives and their activities, but what about us? Where do we fit in our own lives and furthermore, what about parents caring for children with special needs? The list of caring for the needs of our kids mounts up quickly—sometimes far beyond the school day! And beyond our regular schedules are times of emergency when others need to take second place until things settle down. Busy is different from emergency.
Let’s take a moment, step back, put our kids on hold for a moment, and put our marriages on the front burner to evaluate if we are prioritizing our spouse!
Recently, a friend mentioned the phrase “prioritize me,” after a grueling time of caring for others. I concurred with her, and decided to take that phrase to my husband. We shared a much needed time of decisions and discussions of how we—at this moment in our lives, after much time in ministry and caring for others) might put each other into a place of priority. This conversation was sort of a re-evaluation time.
The following meme on FaceBook gave us the start of this conversation that we needed and decided to have:
“Successful marriages do consistently what mediocre marriages do occasionally.”
Ouch.
Are we saying things like, “That’s just how we roll,” “That’s just how it is,” or “That’s how we do things around here?” If so, we are not on the right path. Do we really want to be mediocre? Do we want to slide into isolation from our spouse? Now is a good time to ask your spouse to point out some ways to make him or her a priority. BOTH OF YOU need to take part in this conversation. Stop the business and calendar conversations, and talk about what you both need.
Photo credit: Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash.com
We came up with the following areas to discuss our needs. Our observations are not gifts that have been bestowed upon us, but skills we’ve had to practice:
Communication—Having conversation and connection, sharing ideas and thoughts? What can you share with your spouse, beyond just the surface issues? Not just whether or not you had a good or bad day, but why—and what you want to do about it. This is just for starters.
Caring—What does that mean to each of you? How do you feel cared for? Specifically, what does that look like to you? Is it time? Conversation? Helping? Touch?
Time Together—Each couple will enjoy different ways of spending time together, so this must be discussed. But without spending time together, the other areas will likely not grow.
Commitment—How are we putting each other first, to show our commitment, and to show that each of us are actively pursuing the other?
Compassion—Pity says, “I feel sorry for you.” Sympathy says, “I feel for you.” Empathy says, “I feel with you.” But compassion says, “I am here to help you.” Compassion means we’ve communicated, cared, and want to show our commitment by our actions. Compassion is understanding, and concern for what the other is going through. Questions need to be asked, listened to, and acted upon.
Passion—Is an intense emotion compelling action. It’s birthed out of all the above.
When we mix this recipe of ingredients together in our whirlwind lives of special needs, school, children’s activities and our own, we can come up with a final product that works for our family. It might not happen overnight, but when we pursue our spouse as a priority, we will have a marriage that goes the distance.
You can get started now: Ask the first question: “Am I making my spouse a priority?” and then include them in the discussion!
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at:
www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini,
www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/ and www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/.
