“Be careful who you are attached to.” I am hearing this more these days. Hopefully all of us have life-giving people we are attached to, but sometimes we find out the hard way the destructiveness of certain attachments. We all may have experienced them—those things or ones we were or are so tied to that even Jesus has a hard time getting through. This blog focuses on unhealthy attachments to another person. Some may argue that attachments are fine. This is true in certain situations. I’m just stopping by to ask you to honestly check them.
Having come from a history of codependency, I can usually smell it a mile away for myself or others. In this context, codependency manifests itself by becoming enmeshed in another person’s life, causing relational debilitation to both.
Just as Jesus interacted with Peter in John 21:15, I sometimes feel as though I am in Peter’s seat, “Skip, do you love me more than these?” Basically, “Skip, am I your first love? Do you love Me above anyone else?” In this season of my life, the answer is “Yes! Of course Lord!” I’d like to think this answer is anchored within me, that my life reflects this declaration. However, there may be times I may have to check myself, check my answer, making sure it remains anchored.
Psalm 62:1-2 talks to my soul, “My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.” My hope now rests in God alone. He is my place of mental and emotional peace and stability. We all need this place; without it, life gets way too hard.
Jesus’ relationship with the Father gives us a prime example of this blessed kind of attachment. Jesus loved everyone, but His primary affections, His life focus was towards the Father; they were one.
Although it may seem un-Christian, sometimes we need to take an inventory of our relationships. We need to ask ourselves hard questions such as these: “How is this relationship affecting my heart? What’s going on in my heart, the real me that nobody sees in relation to this person?” These types of questions offer protection from unhealthy emotional attachments. When we are honest with ourselves, we allow our hearts tell us the truth. This lets us know when someone has infringed upon Jesus’ territory. I know this can be scary; it may seem easier just to keep things status quo.
Our intimacy with the Father is hindered when our affections are tied to others in an unhealthy bond. In this kind of tie, the real life giver has been replaced by a substitute. This will only work for a while, and when the relationship breaks down, we wonder why. When we try to draw meaning and life out of a human relationship, we do ourselves and the other person a disservice.
No matter how hard we try, no one else can fill the void that God created only for Himself. He won’t tolerate it, and any attachment of this sort will not go the way He intended. He will need to break every bond that seeks to replace Him. This process can be very painful, and help may be needed to go through it, but it has the potential to unleash peace and freedom in a new kind of relating.
With attachment issues, we have to cut loose mentally and emotionally. We are called to serve others while looking at God first and foremost for all our needs: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. My focus then becomes one with His; He won’t have to work through debris to communicate with my heart. He enables us to give and love from the heart without allowing anyone to take Jesus’ place. Then Jesus can live comfortably at home in our hearts without competition.
Be honest and do an examination to see if there are any unhealthy attachments lurking around or in your heart. Only you and the Father have the real answer. What will you do about them? Psalm 139:23-24 reads “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” The word offensive can be translated as idol. “Search me God and see if there are any idol attachments in my life causing me anxious thoughts.”
As I’ve written before, our emotions are important. We can’t exist without our “feeler.” When Jesus has His proper place in our hearts, the Holy Spirit can live freely through us, influencing our mind, will and emotions. We are then able to let Him love others through us. We will no longer have to try and get our needs met from others in an unhealthy way. Our hearts will be at rest in Him.
Skip McDonald is an author, speaker, nurse and resource specialist for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship—a college campus ministry. Skip has a passion for wholistic living in body, soul and spirit. She champions mental and emotional health, notably in the faith community. As a psychiatric nurse and Mental Health First Aid Instructor, she brings a wealth of experience. She is currently writing several mental health Bible studies, looking at Scripture through the lens of mental and emotional health. She is the founder of Integrative Grace, LLC, a discipleship ministry and Freedomsize Worship Fitness, LLC.
Skip is the author of “Christ, My Life-The Great Exchange,” “The Garden of My Heart” and “And She Lived Happily Ever After.” She resides in Smyrna, GA serving with InterVarsity in the southeast. She can be contacted through skipmcdonald.org.
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