Do you remember last spring? Do you recall those first few days and weeks of the COVID pandemic and related quarantines? While it seems like it may have have been an eternity, the reality is it was only about a year ago that we experienced the massive shutdown of our communities both locally and around the world. Now in the early days of 2021, we are still dealing with quarantines and social distancing, although there is now a clearer picture of life getting back to more normalcy. But while we certainly have more hope than we did even six months ago, there is still a great amount of fear and uncertainty involved in our daily lives. Writing this in the middle of one of the coldest and snowiest parts of the winter, it seems as though being trapped in one’s home might just be our collective “new normal.”
Reflecting on 2020, I can identify with so many days and weeks that led me feel completely abandoned by God. While those words may seem a bit harsh, for me it is just the honest reality of what I was feeling, while I walked through the chaos, hurt and pain of last year. One thing that became increasingly apparent for me was the fact that while all of us were hurting from the direct effects of COVID and the subsequent restrictions, many people I knew also suffered from a variety of other issues in their lives, sometimes having no direct connection to COVID at all. In my case, I experienced the pain of separation from my spouse and eventual divorce, most of which occurred before COVID even hit. I then dealt with my mother’s rapid health deterioration, which led to her being hospitalized and then placed into assisted living. Connected to that was the added responsibility of having to clean out and sell her home, and as an only child, the vast majority of that work fell on me. Coupled with the loss of my job due to COVID related budget cuts in June, you could say my year was more than memorable. If you have read my work or watched some of my video presentations over the last year, you know I have spoken on these things before. While these events are nothing short of tragic, I always spoke to my faith, how it led, strengthened and guided me even through the worst parts of those storms. Yet here I sit in the darkness of winter, shuttered in by the darkness and cold, emotionally drained, physically tired and still wondering loudly to myself, will it ever get better?
To answer that question, I will lean into a word that all of us are familiar with, and have experienced the use of in our own ways, and that is faith. Whenever I am asked by people about how I managed to deal with everything 2020 threw at me, “faith” usually comes out as the central part of the response. In fact, a Bible verse came to mind as I meditated on the events of the past year: “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1 ESV). As I contemplated that verse, I really connected with the elements of being assured of the things I was hoping for, and being convicted of things that very much existed, even if I could not see them. These may seem like shallow words when one is dealing with intense crisis and pain, but one thing that helps remind us to have faith is to reflect on those times when God showed up, even when we didn’t expect Him to. I had such an experience a couple of years ago, where I found myself in a familiar place, having my faith tested very much as it has been in the past.
I take myself back to the summer of 2012. Until 2020, this was the most challenging and difficult year of my life. While there were no global pandemics at play, there was plenty of fear and anxiety in my marriage and in the home environment. I had suffered a job loss earlier in the year, and could not find anything comparable for several months. We therefore became extremely squeezed financially, on top of the emotional strain we dealt with having to support our autistic son Christopher, who at the time was only 4 years old. We had already begun the carousel of assorted therapies outside of preschool. Add to that a health scare on my wife’s end, and it was definitely not the life I thought I would have.
One evening, I was sitting in my car outside the church we attended, waiting for the Friday night men’s group session to start. I called a close friend I had known for years, and caught him up on the events that were happening, and how it looked as though we were headed for separation and possibly divorce. He was concerned for sure, and expressed how much he cared about me. At the end of the conversation, he gave me his honest direct advice: if it were him, he would leave, based on what he interpreted as many aspects of the situation not being fair to me.
I sat there chewing on the bluntness of his words, and regardless of how frustrating things were, I still found the courage to respond, '“I don’t think I can do that.” She was still my wife, and they were still my family. Regardless of how fair or unfair I or anyone else might perceive the situation to be, I knew leaving was not an option. My friend acknowledged my decision, and reminded me he was there if I needed anything.
When I went inside to attend the men’s meeting, I had hoped that I might receive some sage advice from the guys in the group, who were, generally speaking, much older than myself. The sharing portion of the meeting started, and when it came around to me, I spoke about what I really didn’t want to, but believing that I would get the support I needed, laid all of my troubles on the table. The group sat in stunned silence, except for the leader of the group, a relatively nice guy in general. He looked at me and acknowledged how difficult the whole thing must be. He then repeated a line that would stick with me for years: “Things are really tough now, but it’s all going to be okay.”
That’s it? I bared my soul for this group of mature wise older men and the best advice I get is that it’s just going to be okay?
Photo credit: Jon Tyson on Unsplash.com.
I left that night feeling more despondent than ever. The reality at that time was I had not fully embraced the power and promise of faith in my life, not really accepted Christ or invited Him into my heart, and not understood the plan God laid before me. In a few short months, we began marriage counseling with a wonderful woman who helped turn our relationship around almost instantly. I joined a new men’s Bible study group at a different church, and we eventually started attending that church instead. We reaffirmed our love and commitment to each other in the marriage, and also as part of our faith journey. I never would have imagined how easily or quickly God could work had I just given up. If I had just said nope, I’m not doing this anymore, I never would have experienced the rescue plan God had intended for me. I came to learn the power of faith, of trusting in the things unseen, and the assurance of things hoped for. This kind of faith served me well through the next several years of our marriage. It would also serve me well for the next round of difficult phone calls in my car that I would have to experience.
In November 2019, I found myself sitting in the parking lot of a big box store near my home, having just received divorce papers from my wife, literally out of nowhere. I suddenly flashed back to the memories of that previous experience several years earlier, the familiar pains of fear and anxiety heavily rushing through me. Like in the past, I picked up the phone and began to call on friends, new and old, to ask advice and help me navigate the next steps.
This time, however, I had so much more at my disposal than in the past. I now had a very large network of friends, many from my work in the special needs community, who extended their support. Many of them had backgrounds as lawyers, counselors and pastors, so I had not just a greater volume of advice, but also far better quality as well. My boss at the time, who I had a good relationship with, met me for coffee later that evening and spoke to me not just as an employer, but also as a friend, exactly what I needed. But most of all, I had faith in the God of the universe, the faith that had been developed and nurtured through all of my previous struggles. Knowing that God had walked with me and walked me through the last major challenge in my marriage, regardless of whether or no it amounted to divorce this time, I felt safe moving forward that the same God who sat next to me in the car in the summer of 2012. He was the same one who sat with me in the fall of 2019; He never left, and He never changed.
Reflecting again on the year that was, all of the abrupt change, the separation, anxiety, fear and even death that the pandemic has brought us, we can still rest assured that the promises of God are as real and genuine as they have always been. As this new year progresses, life will gradually return to normal, as quarantines are lifted, vaccination rates skyrocket and social distancing is reduced to zero feet between us. But none of this should come as a surprise, as God was with us the entire time, just as He was with His beloved Son to the very end of His earthly suffering, which we recently remembered at Easter season. Do not fear that this struggle will not end, or even that it’s not ending soon enough. He will make everything in the world right again. He is doing it right now.
Follow John on his website: www.johnfelageller.com.
Learn more or register: https://www.keyministry.org/ifl2021
