Today I want to share an experience that inspired me to become a better listener.
I realized how difficult it is to allow others to share their “moment” without interruption. When listening to a story or anecdote, we often want to share a similar experience or story, myself included. Something that happened to Joe and I recently has us reflecting and being much more observant of letting others share what is important to them without topping their story or telling our own unless they ask.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Here is what happened:
When asked how we were, Joe shared how I had just gotten out of the hospital. He shared in 2 sentences how critical I was in the ICU—going in for one reason and other things popping up. Without missing a beat, asking a question, or showing any interest, they shared about a friend who went into the hospital for something and died of something unrelated.
This conversation helped us to realize some things we should be aware of when people share something with us:
Those outside our closer circles probably do not have much interest in our story, and thus their own story may come to mind and trump ours. Since we did not know this person’s friend, how was this story pertinent?
Their story was more important, or they would have asked about ours. When someone is vulnerable with you, do not dismiss them with a “Get better soon” and change the subject.
The story of their friend was troubling and did not encourage our journey.
The “can you top this” attitude can leave one feeling unheard and invisible (it did for us).
So how did we handle it?
We listened to the story and commented on it. Eventually, we shared our condolences on their loss and went on our way. We were not offended by the sudden shift in conversation—it even gave us a good chuckle. The main thing we took away from this conversation was a good lesson. We decided we would not do the same to others when sharing—especially in serious situations. Instead, we would listen to others in a better way; that honors them and their story.
Here are a few things we observed and learned to apply in our future conversations:
Don’t make it all about “me, myself, and I.”
Allow others to share without one-upping them.
Give people the opportunity to fully share their thoughts and experiences without jumping in or sharing something we think connects to their story!
Listen well to experience their joy, sadness, loss, challenge, victory, excitement, gain, vacation experience, difficulty, etc., and then ask questions about it. Seek to understand and jump into what they share because it is important to them.
Verbally walk with them through their feelings or story.
If we think of a story that goes with theirs or even one we think is better—stay quiet! Let them have their moment.
Don’t share another or a better story. Live in theirs and enjoy it. It can even be fun to keep quiet—like a little secret! (They went to Paris? You did, too? Let them share. Maybe they’ll ask if you have traveled there, and if not, enjoy their travel story!)
Never dismiss their story. It is important to them.
Try not to interrupt.
Ask questions. Ask the kind of questions you would want to be asked of you if you were telling the story.
Imagine your friend is sharing about their child with disabilities. Or you’re listening to the story of your friend, who is a caregiver. Maybe they are telling you about the person they care for and how they are recovering from a recent surgery. Perhaps your friend just took their family to a special camp and had a great experience that they want to share.
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for our interests, but also the interest of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 2:3-5
Let’s do this to show how we care about others and their story and give them “their moment!”
Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book: Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey (order at www.cindiferrini.com). They are authors, speakers, and bloggers for several blogging sites on marriage, family and special needs. They spoke nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways for 20 years, authored *Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, Janet Parshall at “In the Market”, Chris Brooks of “Equipped” and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at: www.cindiferrini.com and via social media at: www.facebook.com/cindi.ferrini, www.facebook.com/UnexpectedJourney/, www.facebook.com/MyMarriageMatters/
